Neanderthals are Bronies

I’ll never forget the first time I saw My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The flutter in my heart; the involuntary salivation and acrid burn as I vomited slightly into my closed mouth. But by episode 8, minute 13, I was hooked for life.

Until now, I haven’t had the courage to speak of my secret obsession. My Chinese girlfriend has no concept of the vast social violation my plushie collection entails, or what goes on behind closed doors with my “hand puppet” Princess Twinkle.

(I’ll admit I’m addicted to “sweet pony ass.” And who isn’t? Howard Stern, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!)

MLP: FiM draws Thals because it archetypally expresses the society we lost; a time when friendship really was magic. Check out any group of Bronies and you’ll see a happy, vibrant collection of unabashed Thals reveling in their true nature.


It’s only my recent discovery of fellow Brony bloggers like the Nazi homosexual Thal My Nationalist Pony that have given me the courage to finally come forward. So I say now, with pride: Yes, I am a Brony.

Stepping forward makes sense for other reasons, too. I’ve been thinking about how to identify Koanic Soul with a mainstream pop culture movement. For example, I could reach a lot of Thals by doing a profile of the characters in the Ender’s Game series. But Bronies offer the perfect mix of Thal selection and broad popularity.

So without further ado, let’s explore the very MLP experience that every Thal goes through, on his journey from youth to maturity.

First, of course, you’re born. A shiny eyed little pony, excited to meet the wide wonderful world. Hello world! Will you be my friend?

Somewhere deep in your heart, you know that you’re going to meet a lot of people just like you. How exciting!

But people don’t turn out to be that way, you slowly discover. Instead, they’re more like this:

Which makes you a very sad pony :(

So you get on the Internet! And inbetween wanking to pony porn, you discover something called the Red Pill. At first, you’re horrified:

Who is this guy?!

But life keeps sucking, and slowly you realize that maybe you need to change. And that a great journey lies ahead.

And one day, maybe, by learning how to balance your nature against this strange and fucked up world, you too can become enlightened.

Plus you learn a lot of cool stuff along the way!

So say it loud and say it proud: My balls are huge, orange, and fuzzy.